Thursday, August 7, 2014

26th Birthday Milestone(s)

         

Yesterday was my 26th birthday, and I loved every second of it.  As many of you know, I'm on an all liquid diet (for the most part hehe), so I planned to spend my day totally enjoying all my favorite foods.  It's one of a few days out of the year on which I just don't feel guilty indulging.  I had a fruit smoothie and cheese danish for breakfast, a carnitas burrito for lunch.....and that is where my plan derailed.  Being on a liquid diet has trained my stomach to vehemently oppose heavy meals.  When I have them, especially ultra-unhealthy ones, there is a passionate strike occurring in my body, and I am at it's mercy.  I didn't get sick, though I could have, but I was just too full to really indulge at dinner.  So I opted for a BBQ chicken salad and shared a Korean Beef appetizer, but I couldn't even finish a quarter of either of them.  It was somewhat of a let down, but it really makes me aware of how much I was over-eating before I started this plan.  I could have easily downed a burrito at lunch, and eaten a nice large dinner, but now, it's physically impossible.  And it should be!  I was grossly over eating before, and that's why I nearly hit 300 lbs.  My body doesn't need that much food, unhealthy food at that, to be fully satiated.

The only saving grace was what happened the night before.  I had my weekly weigh in, and I gave myself the best present I could have hoped for.  I lost 7.2 pounds in ONE week.  No, that isn't a typo: seven point two pounds!!! That brings my total weight loss to a whopping 46.8 pounds, and I truly couldn't be any happier.

The first milestone, for me, is reaching a weight loss of 50 pounds (I wanted to do so by my birthday---but close enough), and I'm less than a hand of fingers away from doing so.  For some reason, it's hard for me to really accept that I'm losing weight, until I have this notch on my belt.  It may be because I have had about 150 lbs to lose in the beginning, so once I get that 50 pound loss, it will become more real to me, more tangible.  But nevertheless, that is nearly 50 pounds, in three short months.  50 f**king POUNDS!  That's like losing the weight of a small child!  You can see that this was easily the best present I could have received: a renewed invigoration to keep pursuing my goal.  Sometimes it gets hard, and you wonder why you are even doing this, but then when you see something like that, you quickly remember that all the pain is so worth it.

The second milestone is the fact that this morning, even after my excessive indulgence yesterday, I was able to put on a pair of jeans that I haven't been able to wear in over a year.  I put them on a couple weeks ago, and they fit, but barely, so I wanted to give myself another couple weeks to see if I could get them on comfortably, and that happened this morning (well, they are a little snug, but nothing some stretching cant fix).  I feel like dancing all over my work, it feels amazing.  I've gone down 3 pants sizes, and one shirt size in three months!!!!  I could be one of those weight-loss commercials!!!  It feels spectacular.

The only, and I mean only, downside of my birthday yesterday, was not having my Dad there.  It's my second birthday without him, and it's really sad.  He would have loved to watch me mature into the woman I am becoming, and even more, he would have loved to watch me get healthy.  Even now, 1 year and 5 months after his passing, I still have the urge to call him and tell him the good news, and update him on my weight loss.  It's a tragedy that is still so fresh, I don't think I've even fully come to terms of what life will be like without his presence.  All I can do is keep positivism a goal, strive to continue my healthy quest, and honor his life by remembering him always.  I know he would be my biggest cheerleader if he were here, so hopefully he is my biggest cheerleader up above.  Without all that he taught me, I wouldn't be able to do this.
So, I'll trek on, and keep the goal in mind.  For now-----no more burritos!



Wednesday, July 30, 2014

Re-Focusing Time

Firstly, I'd like to apologize for going completely MIA on you all.  I've just been so insanely busy with work and working out, I have almost no downtime to update my blog.  The downtime I do have is dedicated to my guilty pleasures, also known as, reality TV (and documentaries, movies, TV series).  But my boss is gone all week long, so I have a week of relaxation and almost zero work.  Let's all say Hallelujah at once.  (To set the record straight, my boss is awesome, but you know what they say: You have two vacations a year.  Yours, and your boss's.)

        

So I will get right into the basics.  After my eleventh week in the program, I'm down a total of 39.6 pounds.  I'm super annoyed that I couldn't just get to 40 even, that was my soft goal, but next week I'll see that number, and hopefully more.  Also, my blood work is completely normal!  Triglycerides, liver function, kidney function, everything!  That is a huge, huge relief because nobody wants to hear any blood work being abnormal.  I guess all this working out I'm doing is helping me out, who woulda thought?

That brings me to my second point, and pretty much the whole reason for this post existing.  I've been bad.  Like, really bad.  I'm talking polish hot dogs, barbecued chicken, garlic bread, and day drinking.  I'm also talking meatloaf sandwiches, garlic fries, chips and salsa, and popcorn.  After what I consider an unsuccessful week, only having lost 1 pound, I realized that all my choices contributed to the disappointment.  I can work out as much as I want, but I'm kidding myself if I expect to lose 3-4 pounds in a week when that is what I am ingesting.  So, I need to refocus.  Regroup.  Get myself back on track.

It's easier said than done.  Even when I start the day dedicated to sticking to my diet, by the end of the day my will-power is at an all time low.  I just don't get it.  I believe when people talk about being overweight as a disease of the body, and also of the mind.  The problem I have is that it isn't rational.  If I have the ability to make smart choices in all other aspects of my life, why is this one area nearly impossible to conquer?  Why can't I just say no to food?  Even knowing that I should say no, I still reach for it, telling myself no the entire time it moves to my mouth, and yet I still open my lips and chew it.  It's crazy.

     

So, that brings me to what we discussed in our weight loss meeting last night: Self-Control.  The counselor, who I have mixed feelings about already, began to pound in our minds that if we derail from the program and eat, gasp, food, we don't have self-control.

I was astounded.  To me, they really need to reevaluate their program, because it's just plain unrealistic and wrong to equate eating a meal with lacking self-control.  I realize that I've committed myself to this program, which means abstaining from all food and eating the shakes/soups as replacements, and that requires an extreme amount of self-control.  If I veer off, or have weeks where I eat, it doesn't mean that I lack self-control.  Because while I admit to have eaten a Polish Dog, I also paid my rent.  I didn't turn into a human food tornado, blowing rent on Big-Macs and Milkshakes and Pizza and Burritos.  I ate a f**king Polish Dog.  While I did veer off the program, my self-control is still very much intact.  With her logic, once I eat one morsel of food, all hope is lost, and I may as well go crazy with everything in my life.  Screw rent, let's inhale pasta.  Work?  Nah, that's for people with self-control, which apparently, I do not have.  Ugh.

          

Instead of blowing up when she asked me about my self-control, which I easily could have, I chose to be real and explain it politely.  In summary, I told her that my self-control is totally dependent on the day.  I know that emotions and food go hand in hand, at least for me.  I'm in the midst of an extremely painful and traumatic time, still going through the motions of grief having lost my Dad a year and a half ago.  Emotionally, it may as well have happened yesterday, because that's how fresh it feels to me.  And to be blunt, in grief, the absolute last thing that I care about is opting for a shake over a polish dog, so that I can demonstrate self-control and lose 3 pounds by next Tuesday's weigh in.  I just want to feel better, so I go to comfort food.  It may be a poor habit, but that is why the term "comfort food" exists. It comforts.

Secondly, the loss of my Dad is a very present reminder that life is fragile.  Tomorrow is not promised, even for someone young like me.  If my family or friends are having a gathering, I'm going to enjoy it with them, the way I would normally.  I wont go crazy, but I wont deny myself completely.  If I were to depart from Earth tomorrow, I would like to know that my last day wasn't spend having a mental tug-of-war between eating a shake or a hot dog and a couple beers.  It has nothing to do with self-control, it's a conscious choice, and I don't mind owning that choice.  Will my weight loss be as rapid?  No.  Will I be a happier person?  Duh.

Where I could have demonstrated self-control, is with what I chose to eat.  Did I need the polish dog?  Absolutely not.  I could have enjoyably had carrots with salsa, and THAT, to me, is demonstrating self-control.  If I want to lead a healthy life, it means making sacrifices, but it doesn't mean denying yourself.  Even then, there will be moments where you can specifically choose the unhealthier option.  As my goal is to lose a significant amount of weight, I have to have the strength and self control to stick with it, and if I veer, veer in a healthy manner.

Life is not all about the number on the scale.  Life is much more than that, and I have to remember that.  It's coping with the ups and downs, it's enjoying the moment, it's living healthy.  Right now, I started reverting back to the old me, but I have to remind myself that the end goal is what will be worth it.  I want to learn to deal with my pain in a different way, but it wont happen overnight, and I'm cutting myself some slack for that.  I want to learn to have the power to chose the right thing over the wrong thing, even in social situations.  And lastly, I want to learn how to value my health, so the first two things will come naturally.

I'm still a work in progress, and I will be for some time, but I just have to regroup and refocus and get back on track.  The best quote I've read thus far is, "NOTHING tastes as good as healthy feels."  It's true, and I cant wait to taste healthy. :)

Wednesday, July 16, 2014

Falling In Love with Myself

Well people, I've hit a milestone.  9 weeks have come and passed, and I've learned so much about myself throughout.  I suppose I'll start with the best news ever.  I've lost a grand total of 34.4 pounds!  Here are some before weight loss and after.  Sorry they are only head shots, but I really did try to avoid using my "angle", so it isn't false advertisement.  I'll work on some body shots later.  Click on the picture for a larger version.



 So yeah, it's working?  It's funny when you look at yourself, you can't really see the changes on a day to day basis.  It takes looking at before and after pictures for you to finally admit to yourself that there is a change, no matter how small.  I will come to the defense of myself on the far left picture, it was a seriously horrible day that day.  And the two right pictures, it was a decent day, so chalk some of the difference up to that.  Then again, maybe it was a decent day because of the weight loss, who really knows.

Since I don't have the body shots now, I can describe what I'm seeing as far as change goes.  My stomach, which was my most loathed nemesis, has definitely decreased in size.  My legs seem stronger than ever, to the point where they pretty much only feel like muscle.  I never really had a huge problem with my legs, though.  My elbows seem a little more pointy, and my ankles look a little slimmer, but most of the change that needs to happen is with my stomach, and there is definite improvement in that area.  I can see my collar bones poking through, which is a HUGE victory to me.  Who woulda thought, collar bones?

The biggest thing I can see with myself is my face.  Overall, I look less swollen.  Looking back on pictures and videos, I look like I was about to burst at the seams.  It's strange to think that about yourself, because while I knew I was overweight, I really didn't think I looked too heinous, nor did I think I looked "puffy".  But now, it's almost painful to see myself that heavy.  Don't even get me into the self loathing that intrudes in my mind.  I really hate that I let myself get heavy, so heavy even I don't like looking at pictures of me.  While I am such a beautiful person on the inside, my outside really didn't reflect it, because not only was it hard to look at myself physically, it's easy to see that I wasn't taking care of myself, and that is as ugly as it gets.

I'm the last person to say that just because you are carrying some extra padding, it equates ugliness, that's just how I see myself as an individual.  I know that some people could have found me physically attractive, but I didn't see myself like that.  It's sad to reflect on.  Now that I've lost almost 35 pounds, I am falling in love with myself, but not in a weird, arrogant sort of way.  It's hard to dislike yourself when you put so much effort into something that is extraordinarily difficult.  I'm proud I have taken the steps to better my life, physically, emotionally, and mentally.  I am learning to be happy with who I see in the mirror, because while she is not physically perfect, she's on her way to being "perfect".

I grow each day while fighting the urges to "relapse".  Some people may not get that food addiction is just that, an addiction.  No, I'm not stealing money from anyone to get my McDonald's fix, but I'm stealing years of life away from myself with each Double Cheeseburger and McFlurry I ingest, which isn't so different from any other addiction.  The problem with being addicted to food is that you need food to survive; it isn't something you can quit cold turkey.  Food is a constant in everyone's life, while heroine, is not.  With help, drug addicts can quit their habit, and refrain from relapsing for the entirety of their lives.  It's not so simple with food.  As a food addict, you have to make a life long commitment to eat healthy, and exercise your body, but your Achilles Heel will always be present.  Opting for grilled chicken over fried chicken, even though you like fried better; yogurt over ice cream; wheat bread over sour dough; and fruit/veggies over french fries.  As an addict to all of the unhealthy things, this is where the relapsing can be so easy.  It's one choice at a time, and you have to will yourself to be strong enough to make the right one.  It's not easy, it's not fun, but it's for you.  Each time you make the right choice, you will fall a little more in love with yourself.


Thursday, July 10, 2014

Death to the E-Thug



So I put the article below on my "Interesting Stuff" page, but I feel like it deserves the attention of a full blown post.  I'm fuming angry, and I just feel like beating this point to death.  Whenever an article like this appears, I instantaneously look at the comment section.  I don't know why I do this to myself, because of course that is where all of the internet trolls (or my personal word E-Thug) live, but I cant help it, and it's like dropping a hornets nest in my heart.  I always have hope that the comments wont be so abhorrent, but that is giving internet humanity far too much credit.  

People so quickly punch the letters on their keyboards to type some of the most disgusting series of words imaginable, because, and only because, they can conceal their real identity.  Would these assholes be able to say such terrible things to someone's face?  Most of the time, no.  But what is the difference of saying it to someone, and typing it online.  Either way, they took time out of their day to belittle someone, and make them feel bad about themselves.  That is pathetic.  I just want to scream, "Don't you have something better to do?"  I mean, who honestly enjoys hurting others?  WHO?!  It's unreal, and I cant wrap my mind around it.  Maybe it's because I'm a nice person, or understanding of the differences between humans beings world wide, oh and also, I'm not an asshole.

Let me be clear.  Being overweight, obese, fat, it isn't a healthy lifestyle, and I get that.  I'm not an advocate of inhaling food and being proud.  I AM an advocate of someone being who they are, and not having to feel bad about themselves because of it.  Most people who are heavy, don't want to be, so I'm not really sure there is a purpose that is served by making nasty comments.  By typing the horrendous verbal diarrhea, or opinions, as they so graciously dub it, they are actively seeking to hurt someone, and it's totally unacceptable to me.  Of course, they always have a shit ton of "data" to support their "opinion", but in reality, they just wanted to be mean.

So, I have to let them be mean.  The bottom line is that they have chosen those words to represent them.  It may be anonymous, but even so, they go to sleep at night knowing they stopped whatever the hell it was they were doing, to punch in some pathetic insult into a comment section, simply to stir the pot.  That is their idea of a good day.  I don't know about you, but I'd rather be 1,000 pounds, and be able to look back on my life knowing I never set out to intentionally hurt someone, via the internet or not.  E-thugs are just e-thugs, they are a dime a dozen.  In reality, by putting others down for something like being "fat", it just shows an insecurity within themselves.  I know that is cliche, but it's the truth.  You could beat them with that sentence for years, and they would never admit to an insecurity, but in reality, a confident, happy, kind, and wise person, wouldn't stop what they are doing during the day and say something like, "Proof that Beluga Whales can live on land."  They just wouldn't, and that is that.

So maybe I am fat, but I'm not lazy.  Maybe I do have one too many rolls, but I don't overeat.  They may see me and compare me to a f**king whale, but they don't know that I've lost 31.8 pounds in two months, and it will keep on coming off.  And once it does, I will be more than happy to belittle them, by simply ignoring their existence, because nobody is more worthless than someone who is an asshole purposefully. 

https://shine.yahoo.com/healthy-living/fat-woman-wears-bikini--world-doesn-t-end-180736209.html

Thursday, June 26, 2014

Some Introspection

There are so many things I miss about being smaller.  I kind of touched on a few of these points on my earlier posts "As a Fat Girl" and "How It All Began", but like I said in that post, the limitations I have faced because I am overweight/obese, could write an endless list.  I'm not sure if anyone can really relate to each and every single one, but if any of these problems are something you have thought of, just know you aren't alone.  While vanity plays a small role in my road to being thin again, the two biggest reasons for me losing weight right now is my health, and gaining the ability to do/enjoy the simplest things in life.  So, without further ado, my daily trials and tribulations caused directly by my spare tire (and extra padding everywhere else), enjoy.

  1. Crossing My Legs:  Most people take this for granted, even I did when I was smaller.  Right now, in my attempts to be classy,  my only option, physically, is to sit with my legs pressed together, while the forces of the universe do everything in their power to pull them apart.  Sometimes just sitting like that for a decent chunk of time will have my hips and outer thighs burning.  I suppose I could let my knees fall out to the side, but then I risk looking like a man-woman in a gyno office.  I'll pass.  Soon enough, I'll be able to cross my legs again, soon enough.  After all, I miss those red spots on the back of my calf after sitting like that for a period of time.  I MISS THEM!  How crazy is that? 

  2. Shaving My Legs:  Accurately, that is.  I can still shave right now, and could at my heaviest, but I couldn't guarantee a thorough job.  I feel like a contortionist when I shave right now.  I cant just sit and shave without moving much because I cant reach the back of my leg without moving.  It's pretty pathetic, and may be the reason why if you looked under my pants right now, you would think I'm french, or a hippi; a la Bigfoot if you catch my drift.

  3. Shopping for Clothes:  Need I say more?  This is probably the most painfully difficult thing about being heavier.  I try to look nice and buy nice clothes, but even shopping at plus size stores, I never really feel 100% awesome, in anything I wear.  If you get one size, the thighs are too big, so if you go smaller, the waist is too small.  The trade-offs make shopping a totally miserable experience.  You don't want to look like you are imitating MC Hammer, but you also don't want a muffin top, so what do you do?!  And don't even get me started on bathing suit shopping.  I'm sure there are those of you out there than can appreciate a good "dressing room cry".  Suddenly you realize that there is no magic bathing suit that will shoo all your worries away.  You just have to accept the fact that you wont look sexy in a bathing suit, and find the best of the worst.  

    Plus, I couldn't even tell you what my "style" is, because it was chosen for me.  I love Torrid, but do I really?  I mean, if I was never plus sized, would my style be Torrid-esque anyways?  I'm not sure, because I've been shopping there for a while now, and of the extremely limited plus-size options, they are the cutest, and most stylish in my opinion. 

  4. Insecurity:  While I realize people of all shapes and sizes have insecurities, and I will too even once I've lost all the weight, but being physically large makes you so much more obvious to others.  And because of that, I feel like people stare more, and judge silently.  I wish I could go around with a sign that said, "I know some of this is my fault, but do you know what I've been through?  No, you don't, so quit judging me".  Because of this I'm ultra sensitive and actively try not to judge others, because you just don't know why they are the way they are.  I'm even insecure with my boyfriend----of three years.  It may be a reaction that has developed over time, but if he even tries to touch my stomach, I flinch in terror.  I even dove into a pile of clothes to avoid it once.  It's pretty ridiculous, because he's surely seen every inch of me, but I cant get over feeling uncomfortable in my own skin, and that makes me sad.

  5. Physical Capabilities (or lack there of):  I truly miss being an athlete.  I was agile, quick, and never shy to try something new that would test my endurance or strength.  I could count on my body to do certain things, and I never felt embarrassed to do them.  But then blubber happened.  I know that I cant do certain things now, and it's actually kind of terrifying.  What if I needed to run from something or someone?  I could surely move myself along for a while, fueled by adrenaline, but it wouldn't be quickly, and would definitely not be sustainable.  That's scary!  I've had dreams of myself running from a tidal wave with my boyfriend, and forcing him to abandon me knowing I would never be able to make it.  I really want to do walks for charity, or color runs, or obstacle courses, but I'm pretty sure I wouldn't last.  I know I should be my own cheer leader and at least try, but the humiliation factor is really what is stopping me.  There we go again with the insecurities.

So that is my very quick list.  Other than for the sake of health, these are the reasons I want to lose weight.  I know some of them will be life-long challenges, but I know that I am growing as a person with each pound that is lost.  I will look back on these moments and truly appreciate how hard I fought against reverting to my old habits, to prevent these five issues from ever reoccurring.

BY THE WAY!  I'm sorry I haven't written in so long, life has been extraordinarily hectic.  I've lost an even 27 pounds in 6 weeks, and loving every second of it.  Until next time :)


Monday, June 16, 2014

I Swear--I'm Not Dying


That about sums it up.  Even though the ecard above rings true, I've totally neglected my wino side lately.  I guess the empty calories that come with drinking aren't quite worth the 3 hours of exercise it would take to burn them off.  I had an awesome weekend when it comes to exercise!  My boyfriend and I went out on a six mile walk, with a little bit of hiking mixed in.  I had never been on this trail before, so I'm sure all my fellow fat peeps can relate to being a little nervous for the unknown terrain.  My boyfriend, who is thin, told me it wasn't hard at all, and for the most part, it really wasn't.  He told me there would be a steep hill we would climb, but it wasn't that bad, and I believed him.

We came upon a hill, probably 50-60 yards long with a 50 degree incline that hurt a bit, but I got to the top.  I was winded, but it wasn't back breaking.  And so we walked on, I felt amazing that I had managed to move my body from one elevation to another relatively quickly.  Go me, that is what he warned me about?!  I am superwoman.  But my jubilation was crushed when I looked ahead, and that's when I saw it.  It loomed in the distance.  It wasn't a "little hill", like my boyfriend so graciously named it.  It was a serious hill, and it meant business.  It made the one I was so thrilled to have scaled moments ago look like an ant hill.  I may as well have brought my mountain climbing gear.  Feast your eyes on this monster, the yellow line shows the trail you follow:



Tons of people were going up and down it, on bikes, running, walking, and I thought maybe I was underestimating my stamina.  You have to realize that at this point, we had already walked about 3 miles, and I was truly worried that I wouldn't make it up the hill, and I would be that girl.  The fat one, that all the amazing athletes had to maneuver around.  But, that's when I decided they can kiss my ass.  I'd come this far, there was no way I would wither away and not even attempt it.  At least I'm trying, they cant knock me for that.

And so we began the trek to the top.  The incline wasn't as steep as the first baby hill, but the distance was much, much longer, probably 250 yards, at a 35 degree incline.  I began strong, taking each step and trying not to notice the burning sensation developing in each leg.  And then my breath got shorter, and shorter, it was so short I finally decided to stop and take a break.  People whizzed around me, but at first it didn't bother me.  I was only 1/3 of the way up at my first break.

I trekked on.  My boyfriend was almost done climbing the thing when I reached the 2/3 point.  But, my body was shouting for oxygen, so I took another rest.  More people were passing me, and I began to get self conscious of my inability to keep a constant pace.  Before I caught my breath completely, I pushed myself, step by step, to the top.  I MADE IT!

                   

The only problem with not listening to your body, is that bad things can happen.  I was so out of breath, I felt like I didn't have enough oxygen sustain myself.  I felt the world getting dimmer, and everything was getting fuzzy.  I sat down on the only rock I could find, and tried to focus on breathing.  Nothing I did seemed to help, and the longer it went that I couldn't catch my breath, the more panicked I was getting.  The only thing worse about being so exhausted you are at the point of fainting, is having a panic attack simultaneously.  It was really horrendous.

I sat, with my mind focused on moving oxygen in and out of my lungs.  I finally felt less faint, and caught my breath, but the realization that we still had to walk back another 3 miles was a little overwhelming.  I guess what I took away was to not feel self conscious if I'm tired going up a hill.  Maybe I cant do it all in one go right now, but one day I'll be able to.  Just because people pass me, isn't worth nearly fainting and cracking my head open.  The other thing I took away from it is that when you are tenacious and have a goal, you can achieve it.  I never would have thought I could accomplish that, but I did, and I'm a better person for it.

The only thing left to do is weigh in tomorrow, and hope that all the hard work shows up on my scale.  Oh and also, do the damn thing again!

Wednesday, June 11, 2014

Sometimes Life Just Sucks

Well, my first month on the diet is complete.  It was a success in every sense of the word.  I lost a total of 19.2 pounds in 28 days, which is awesome, but the competitive/OCD side of me was hoping for an even 20.   Let's chalk it up to water weight ;)  All in all, I know my first month there is really little to be negative about, in regards to the weight loss, but it seems like everything else was a huge nightmare.  Then again, the whole last year was a huge nightmare.

I'm really missing my Dad.  Each time I succeed, or have troubles, or need advice, my very first thought is to call him.  He was a pillar of support in all aspects of my life, and sadly, I didn't know how truly important he was to each nook and cranny of all that is Courtney, until he was gone.  It makes each accomplishment a little less sweet.  Everybody always tells me the generic, "Well you know he's looking down on you, and can see your every success."  I know they mean well, but to be honest with you, it's all a load of bullshit.  It may be true, he could be sitting right next to me as I type my less than inspiring blog post now.  And it's really easy to give that advice, because it acknowledges my wishes of him seeing me thrive, while respecting his passing and my feelings surrounding it by not delving too deep into spiritual and religious banter.  But, I just want to scream at people and say, "IT'S NOT THE SAME!"  It just isn't the same.  There was something about his voice and physical presence, that cant be replicated or soothed by an out of body presence.

Sometimes I feel all alone, even with the huge support system that surrounds me.  Because while everyone is grieving who knew my Dad, nobody had the relationship that was unique to US.  Of course they were all close to him in their own way, but at least I acknowledge that I will never know what losing him means to them.  I'd appreciate if the reverse was reciprocated.

Anyways, you may or may not understand how this impacts my dieting, and mission in losing weight, so let me clarify.  My Dad's passing was truly the greatest tragedy I have experienced in life thus far.  I probably put on 30-40 pounds in a year, and am more depressed than I have ever been in my life.  I still cant come to terms with the thought of spending the rest of my natural life without him, because it just hurts too much.  At the same time, his passing provides a crystal clear example of why I need to do this.  I need to be healthy, as healthy as I can possibly be.  I don't have children, but I want to, and for them, I need to make this change, if for nobody else.  One, I may not even be able to have kids if I don't lose weight, due to the PCOS.  Two, if and when I do have those children, I want to be an active participant in everything they do, not watching from the sidelines in fear of losing my breath.  And finally, perhaps the most important, is I do not want my children to bury me prematurely, like my experience with my Dad has been.  Both he and I deserved many, many more years together, but his life was cut short because of health reasons.  Some of his problems were out of his control, so I cant hold them against him, and never would.  But my weight, is totally in my hands.  I control every morsel of food entering my body, so any health issues that are a result of my obesity, is by my fault alone.  I don't want to die young, and have my children resent me forever, because all I had to do was put down the f**king pizza.

It isn't an option anymore.  Healthful living is my number one goal, for myself, for my future children, for my family, and for my friends.  If I take a moment to stop thinking about the daily struggle of sticking to my diet and how truly painful it is not to indulge on occasion, and really see it as a whole movie, rather than a single frame, it's clear as day.  No, eating one little meal may not affect me, or my weight loss, but it isn't about one single meal.  I have to see how each of my "little meals" impacts my life in its entirety, and whether a slice of pizza is worth it.  When I picture the future little Courtneys running around, I find a hidden strength and will power, that my conscious mind is not always aware of.

It doesn't mean I don't cheat, or as the group leader puts it, make poor choices.  I have, and I don't mind admitting that.  I even went full on Pasta Dinner with bread last week.  I'm sure the people running my program would be aghast, but I'm doing the best I can in the situation I'm in.  Not only am I losing weight, I'm grieving, I work 40+ per week, I go to a grief counselor weekly, and a gynecologist all the time to get my nether regions back in working order.  It's quite the life, let me tell you.  It's hard not to feel a little alone, because I do have quite the full plate (figuratively, though what a good pun, no?), and everything on it is completely unique to me.  My counselor suggested I try to focus in on the little things in life that do make me happy.  So here's a list of what made me smile today:

1.  Wind.  It's windy as f**k where I live, which is a drastic change from two days ago when it was a scorching 101 degrees.


               

2.  I'm not busy at work.  Hence this new blog post.  Score!


               

3.  I've lost almost 20 pounds in 28 days.  Phase one of molting complete!!!  80 more pounds to go :D



               

Wednesday, June 4, 2014

Three Week Verdict

Ohmygosh.  This week has been INSANE.  I really don't want to get into it, because I feel like that will open up a can of worms with a long rambling post that makes no sense to anyone other than me.  To put it simply, my brain felt like it was short-circuiting, or about to explode, one of the two.  So, I sincerely apologize for plunging off the face of the Earth.

WORK = STRESSFUL/BUSY/FRUSTRATING/LONG/NIGHTMARISH

                     

Other than work being nearly impossible to manage, I had quite an interesting experience the past few weeks.  I discovered a lot of things about myself, which wasn't really expected when I started this journey.  I thought it would be cut and dry, diet and lose weight, work out and lose weight.  In reality, I am really internalizing why I craved food, and more specifically the kinds of food I am craving.  What caused me to want that pizza?  Or that burger?  The whole work shenanigans really helped shine a light on the fact that I'm an emotional/stress eater.  But really though, I just love food, because it makes me feel better.  I hate that the food that is comfort to me, happens to be a heart attack on a plate.  Ugh.  The way the world works really sucks sometimes.

Anyways, to the best news ever.........................I've lost 16.2 lbs since my first weigh-in----three weeks ago!  That, my friends, is absolutely awesome.  I don't mean to toot my own horn, who am I kidding, OF COURSE I'm tooting my own horn.  How do you lose that much weight in 3 weeks: hard work and dedication.  There is no other way to explain it.  And you know what's more?  I totally cheated.  It wasn't like a small little cheat, it was a full blown, terribly unhealthy meal, that still makes me feel guilty.

               

I went all out, and I couldn't resist.  Like at all.  Barbecued chicken drumsticks, two ears of corn, some chicken sausages, a giant, and I mean, GIANT piece of garlic bread, pancakes.  I'm telling you...it was bad.  And I also had a panini the next day, and a burrito a few days before.  So how the hell did I still manage to lose 5.4 pounds this week (see http://moltingmybody.blogspot.com/p/weight-loss-chart.html)??  I'll give you one word:  EXERCISE!


                 

It was tough, but I didn't miss one day---and I haven't in the last three weeks.  I know I cant cheat like that often, and shouldn't ever, but I couldn't stop myself.  One day I may have the will power, but last Saturday was not that day.  As long as the number on the scale decreased, and I work out consistently, and for the most part eat healthy, I'm happy.  It was a great success!!!!!!!!  And so the struggle continues....

Thursday, May 22, 2014

Anxiety is a Real Bitch


You are being forewarned.  If the thought of blood grosses you out, the thought of a menstrual cycle grosses you out, or you are too immature to understand/respect feminine issues, this post is not for you.  Yesterday I got put through the wringer.  In retrospect, it's easy to see that I maybe did overreact a little bit.  But hindsight is always 20/20, and you know what, all my worry is totally justified, but the overwhelming thoughts of impending doom are where things get a little foggy.  As I have told you before, this whole weight loss kick got started because I had been on my period for a staggering THREE MONTHS straight.  Yes, you read that right.  The moodiness I experienced was in constant transformation.  Moody about pain, moody about how f**king tedious it is to make sure you have tampons at all times, moody about how icky I felt, and most importantly, moody about, ahem, my sexual activity (or lack there of).  I know, I know, too much information, but you know what, you try bleeding for 3 months straight and see where your social filters end up.

Anyways, I finally decided to go to the doctor because obviously losing that much blood isn't healthy, and after what seemed like an insane amount of testing, doctor's appointments, and referrals, they were all finally reaching the conclusion that I just needed to lose weight.  Well, shit!  That was far better than what I expected, and totally achievable.  All that worry for nothing.  So one thing led to another and here I am!  6.2 pounds down in 7 days, not too shabby if I do say so myself.

My OB/GYN and I decided to put Mirena in, which is an IUD, or for you men out there who have no idea what either of those things are, birth control, so it would help to control the abnormal bleeding.  It would remain in place for 5 years, which pretty much coincides with my life plan for having children (lofty goals, I'm aware).  The appointment was scheduled for Monday, as was briefly touched on in a previous post where I "cheated" and saw my weight loss.  The issue arose when the doctor decided not to put Mirena in, but rather, do an Endometrial Biopsy, which checks for Uterine Cancer.  Umm, okay?  It wasn't that she had decided to do the biopsy, I'm all for ruling everything out, but why the HELL would she wait until 2 months after my first visit?  At this point I've been bleeding pretty consistently for 5 months, ALL of 2014.  I was infuriated, to say the very least.  She pointed to the risk factor (being heavy) with which she was making that choice, but it didn't make sense to me.  It's not like I ballooned up suddenly.  My weight was present two months ago, so why now, why all of a sudden is she worried?  I had to bleed for two more entire months, while she fiddled her thumbs.  Awesome.  Truly.

She had informed me that the results would typically take about two weeks to receive, and based on what they saw, we could either go forward with Mirena, or not.  Easy enough?  Wrong.  Here is where my Worry filled Wednesday begins.  Two days after I do the biopsy (yesterday), the doctor's receptionist calls, and in the most dismally worried tone I have ever heard, requests for an immediate follow up.  Well that got my heart pumping a little bit.  So I in turn asked her if the biopsy results were already back, which she confirmed in another, utterly pained voice.  Her tone of voice sent me right over the deep end.  I asked if the results were bad, but she refused/declined to provide me any information, or clue.


                


That was me.  Out in the parking lot at my job.  So I panic, called my Mom, called my sister, called my boyfriend, nobody answered.  Of course.  So my anxiety and stress filled mind went to work.  Let me just give you a play by play of my thought process, so you can see why sometimes I even question my own sanity.

"I have cancer.  Does that mean I have to do chemo?  What if they have to remove my uterus?  Can you have a baby with out a uterus?  That's probably the dumbest thing I've ever thought.  I'd better research this.  Hysterectomy?  No chance of having kids.  Should I get my eggs cryo-freezed?  What if it's too far along to help?  This is bullshit!  My Dad passed away a year ago, I shouldn't have to deal with this right now!!  If I cant have my own child, I totally support surrogacy.  But what if the surrogate Mom of my child falls in love with it and kidnaps it like one of those Lifetime movies?  What about adoption?  I support it, but I've always wanted to see what MY genes can create.  A little ball of awesome, that's what.  SHIT!  Seriously, what if I cant have kids now?  What if I die?  I want to know what it's like to be pregnant!!!  My sister is going to have to have my children.  This is NOT fair."

Put that on repeat, and that was my afternoon yesterday.  It was scary, and angering, that this test was postponed for so long.  The follow up appointment was scheduled for this morning.  So I sat and stewed about it for the rest of day, and had pretty much written myself, and my future off.  After all this work to get myself headed in a healthy direction, something like this happens.  Everyone I had told was telling me not to borrow trouble, to think positive, but to me it was insensitive to say all that generic stuff.  Just be worried with me!  How can you not be?!

I left work, and had a voicemail from the doctor's office.  It was a medical assistant informing me that they would be putting Mirena in after the follow up to the results.  Relief.

                 


The results?  Well, they are bad and good.  It isn't cancer (phew), but they did find some abnormal gland formations and evidence of endometrial polyps.  I'm going to try to treat it with medicine, aka birth control, and then if that doesn't work, off to surgery I go.  Nothing too serious, just Dilation and Curettage.

The final verdict eased my mind, but it really highlights how fragile life is.  This is why I want to get healthy, so when things like this come up, I know it isn't something that I have done to myself.  All the hard work is paying off too, because when I went to the appointment today, they weighed me, and I've lost ANOTHER pound!!!!  The total is 7.2 lbs now, and counting.  Sorry to derail you all from my weight loss, but as with most people, that is just one small aspect of my life.  All this other stuff doesn't go away, just because I've chosen to lose weight.  I just have to take it one day at a time and try to keep a smile on my face.  So far, so good.

Tuesday, May 20, 2014

It's the Little Victories

So, I was sneaky yesterday.  One of the rules of the weight loss program, forbids us from weighing ourselves through out the week between the Tuesday evening meetings.  Today is only going to be my second meeting, so I have been terrified all week long that I haven't been losing anything, and how mortified I would be.  Fortunately for me, I had a doctor's appointment yesterday afternoon, and well of course, they weigh you in each visit.  When I stepped on the scale, I knew I would either be thrilled at a smaller number, or frantic to do exercise all evening to lower the number by one digit.  Drum roll please.....


              

I LOST FIVE POUNDS!!!!  

Let me say that again:
I LOST FIVE  pounds!
(Everybody happy dance now)



All the "suffering" I went through without food for the past 6 days ended up meaning that I would no longer be in the 290's, I'm in the 280's club.  I put bunny ears on suffering, because in reality, it wasn't difficult at all.  I really, really like the chocolate shakes, they taste like unbaked brownie mix (and who doesn't love licking the brownie mix bowl).  I think the hardest part is losing the crunch/chewing aspect of eating.  I've found a new love of exercise too!  Even if it's only 30 minutes of brisk walking, plus sit ups (I don't want to kill myself by attempting anything more strenuous just yet), it obviously helps!  Plus, IT'S FUN!  It's fun in that I know I am burning calories with every step, that each drop of sweat is proof that the five pounds lost were earned.

                   

I read a quote once that said, "Sweat is only your fat crying."  It resonated with me.  I have found it to be an excellent motivator when I am wishing I could quit exercising.  When you think of exercise as a battle against your fat, it makes you think less about the work, and more about the victory.  I have found that as long as I keep that thought in my mind when I'm working out, as tough as it is, I push through it, and it becomes a game.  Whatever I accomplished yesterday, I want to accomplish 2 more today.

It's the ever growing accomplishments that will help continue my weight loss, but for now, let me hear the hallelujah chorus sing one more time.  FIVE POUNDS GONE.  My first goal is 5% complete.  It sounds small, but twenty more 5%'s and I'll be at 100%, and THAT sounds easy.  See you later 5 pounds, I kicked your butt!

              
              

Monday, May 19, 2014

As a Fat Girl...

Well, my first weekend on the diet went well.  I only cheated once--and I wouldn't necessarily consider it cheating.  I feel like I should be entitled to ONE healthy meal per week, because, I get enough exercise to not only counteract the extra calories, but also, a 25 year old girl's gotta live a little.  So instead of eating pizza and burritos and whatever else sounds absolutely mouth watering, I ate a grilled chicken spinach pesto panini.  Not bad, right?  Or am I delusional.  I did all the research for how many calories I was ingesting, and I made up for them by working out.  Still though, don't tell my doctor.


Anyways, I saw the above meme and realized I hadn't even delved into that arena yet.  As a fat girl, I am painfully familiar with standing in a group of girls picking themselves, and their bodies, apart.  Because I am aware of my size, I literally never complain about it.  It’s as simple as me being worried that it will call more attention to my size than there already is.  Ask my boyfriend, ask my mom, ask anyone that knows me.  Under zero circumstances do I ever even hint that I am insecure about my size, despite it being the biggest (no pun intended) insecurity I have.  So when I stand there, hearing girls who are easily more than 100 pounds lighter than me saying they are “fat”, murderous thoughts begin to stir within me.  How can anyone thin, who is vain enough to think they are “fat”, have the audacity to talk about being “fat” in front of me, a fat girl.  It’s ridiculous.

Beyond that, if they truly feel they are fat, what does that make me?!  A planet?  Maybe they don’t realize it, but they are blatantly insulting me, directly to my face, in this weird passive-aggressive way.  Most of the time I just let them talk, but sometimes I have the balls to voice my thoughts, to point out how absolutely, disgustingly, insensitive they are being.

Then again, maybe I’m just sensitive.  After all, it isn’t their fault I’m fat.  They are allowed to feel insecure about their weight, even despite my presence.  I don’t want people to tip toe around me for fear of rousing some fat girl attitude.  I don’t know.  It still bugs me more than words could possibly describe.  Maybe it is because I, personally, try to be sensitive of those around me.  I’m not going to complain about my essentially flawless skin having one tiny blemish (that may or may not be visible to others), when someone with severe acne is standing right next to me.  I’m not going to complain about my teeth being one shade too yellow, when there is someone with an obviously horrendous grin near me. 

I don’t know if my awareness of others’ feelings is a direct result of my current size, but it makes sense.  When you have a visible fault, you can’t run from it.  The whole world knows I’m fat, just like the whole world knows that kid has a face full of acne, or the other with a messed up smile.  I know what it feels like to have someone, intentionally and unintentionally, make you feel bad about yourself.  It doesn’t feel good, and I wouldn’t want to inflict that on anyone, so I make a point of thinking my thoughts through, before running my mouth.

I’ll never understand how a seemingly physically perfect person could feel it necessary to comment on any insecurity aloud.  Maybe that is their physical imperfection.  They are so worried what others are thinking, they have to pick themselves apart for approval.  You can bet your bottom dollar I wouldn’t start telling people how fat I feel, because what are they supposed to say, no?  That’s ridiculous, and I’d be mad at them for lying.  I know I’m fat, but I’m working on it.  And you know what, I’m happy that way.  My imperfections are relatively easy to resolve.  People who find it necessary to have the approval of others, when they are already at the ideal body weight, have a much, much harder transformation ahead of them.  Vanity isn’t flattering, and it’s much more difficult to shed than some extra weight.

Friday, May 16, 2014

Wallowing Without Food

Well, the diet isn't as bad as I thought it was going to be.  At the same time, I'm miserably lonely.  When everyone is talking about barbecues, or after work drinks, I wish I could cry.  Normally I leap at the chances to enjoy these events, but since I cant partake in the festivities, it's totally depressing.  I know deep down, in order to get where I want to be, I have to make these sacrifices.  Or else, I may continue with my life as I have been, perfectly represented by the meme below:


I just have to keep reminding myself that the sacrifice isn't more than a drop in the barrel in the scheme of my life.  Would I rather have these 5 beers, or be able to teach my future children how to ride a bike?  Are these cheese fries necessary, or would I rather look back on my life at 80 years old and smile about how much I've seen?  I know these type of rationalizations sound totally over the top, but at some point, I have  to think like that, and why not now?  I could say yes to these 5 beers, or cheese fries, but if I do every time, I'll never make any progress.  There is always another special occasion.  Once I hit my goal, I have more wiggle room, literally and figuratively, to pick and choose my cheat moments.  But I have to hit that goal first.  By then, I will have learned a large amount about nutrition, and myself, and I will have earned it.

I managed to go out to dinner with my Mom and Sister last night.  I ate my chocolate shake (delicious, if I do say so myself), while they ate their meals.  As big of a bummer as it is, it wasn't too difficult honestly.  I was proud of myself.  I'm still proud of myself.  The cherry on top was that at the end of the evening, I had enough energy, AND motivation, to do some exercise with my boyfriend.  Amazing!  Normally, I would be totally pooped and just want to smoke some weed (gasp!), eat a snack, and go to bed.  



Something like that, yup!  But, I just exercised, showered, and went to bed instead.  And the best part about it was....I had such a great morning!!  I was so motivated because I proved that I can change my lifestyle.  Now, I will try to build off that motivation, and in one months time, I already know my life will have done a 180.  It will be amazing, and I will be more happy than I've been in years.  This weekend will be a giant test, because it's my first weekend on the diet, but here goes nothing!!

Wednesday, May 14, 2014

Cardboard is More Appealing


So, I started my liquid diet yesterday.  Dear God what have I gotten myself into?  The shakes are bad--like really bad.  The thought of consuming only these little packets of powder, sent me into a deep depression yesterday.  I tried cooking with one of them, but it looked beyond disgusting.  I wouldn't have fed it to a dog--disgusting.  There are the following flavors:

Strawberry
Chocolate
Vanilla
Potato
Tomato
Chicken

Supposedly, the potato is versatile.  Though in my vast experience (sarcasm) it is the most disgusting.  I think I'll stick to the Chocolate and Vanilla, both of which have been pretty good actually.  I'll be testing the Tomato for dinner tonight, I hear it is pretty good too.  We shall see.  

After my culinary failure, I about lost my mind last night.  I was so beyond hungry, I got the worst headache I've had in years.  I was exhausted, and needed food, but the thought of attempting another shake or soup was repulsive to me.  So I ate spinach and shredded carrots.  Not technically on my list of foods I can eat, but I figured it was better than McDonald's.  I wanted to be somewhat awake and functioning for my first weight loss meeting.  

The meeting went well.  I am by far the youngest person, and I was supposedly put in the "young" group.  It made me wonder who the hell was in the other programs?  70 year olds?  Perplexing to say the least.  I made a friend, even if she is twice my age and all of her kids are older than me.  She is three weeks into the program, 10 lbs down, and is very welcoming and understanding. 

Once I left the meeting?  I was beyond hungry.  I ate an entire carrot when I got home, but I knew if I didn't get some sustenance before bed, my 10+ hour Wednesday and Thursday work shift would be a disaster.  So, I caved into temptation.  I'm not proud of myself, but technically my diet was supposed to start Wednesday anyways.  You better believe I ate an entire box of macaroni.  

This blog wont be all butterflies and perfection.  I'm going to have hard days, where I will be so down that I can only punch out three words.  "Fuck this Shit" comes to mind.  "I need food" is another.  Today's a new day, and meeting everyone last night renewed my hope.  So far, I've had a chocolate shake, and I think I'll have another one, because you don't want to see me when I'm hungry. 

Current Weight Loss: 0 Lbs. 

Tuesday, May 13, 2014

T-Minus 0 Hours


Well my food finale weekend was pretty amazing, I must say.  Buttermilk pancakes, corned beef hash, sausage, Jack in the Box, tortellini, pizza, a burrito, french toast, and pop corn.  Success.  Whilst stuffing all the food in, I began to think about how gross it all is, and recalling the blood work results I had just received.  High Cholesterol, high blood pressure, less than stellar kidney function for my age, pre-diabetes, poly-cystic ovarian syndrome, heart burn, the list goes on.

It clicks with me, I'm a ticking time bomb.  Besides the fact that I'm less than thrilled with my appearance, my health is in serious jeopardy.  It may not be an immediate threat, but the road I'm traveling on has an inevitable dead end--emphasis on the dead.

So, that's why I'm doing the metabolic nutrition program recommended by my doctor.  Essentially, it helps you lose weight rapidly, while figuring out why you got where you got in the first place.  It is an all liquid diet, that mimics starvation, but the shakes and soups help relieve any hunger, while providing your body with the protein your brain needs to survive (and not feast on your muscles).  It definitely isn't something you can continue long term, but part of the program is determining a good plan of attack for a long term diet.  You do weekly group meetings, bi-weekly blood work, and monthly doctor's appointments.

I had my first meeting with the doctor yesterday, and got my week's supply of "food".  I've tried the chocolate shake, and it's less than appealing.  I also chose the potato soup.  Not thrilling either.  I had a major freak out last night because I was worried that I wouldn't be able to commit to this, even though for weeks I've been so excited.  I had this impression it would taste a little better.  I kept reminding myself that it's worth it.  You cant go from eating delicious amazing pizza, to a powdered, watery "potato" and think it is amazing.  Time and persistence will be my best friends.  I will get used to this food.  It isn't much of a choice, considering it will be my only source of food.

And so my journey begins.  I weighed 292.4 yesterday.  The goal we chose to set (for now) is 192, for a total weight-loss of 100 pounds.  I will be shedding a small human people.  The first notch of the zipper is being unzipped, and thin, healthy me, is already ready to burst through.  The only person I feel for is my boyfriend.  He, if anything, wants to gain weight.  No more going out to eat, though, and he is so understanding and supportive.  :)  I totally love the guy.

I've tried to figure out where I'm planning on taking this blog.  Is it a digital diary?  Do I want people to follow it?  What will the content be?  To answer it plainly, of course I want people to follow it, and it will be a digital diary.  The content will be a clusterfuck of all my emotions, which I'm sure will be numerous, along my journey.  There will be rants, there will be raves.  I'll include my fancy recipes, that tip a hat to my culinary creativity.  And I'll keep you posted on my progress.  When I start delving into real food, I'm sure my new healthy recipes will be recounted.  I'm most looking forward to showing you all the before and the after.  That, after all, is the purpose, and you can keep me accountable for my actions.

100 pounds to go!




Friday, May 9, 2014

The Countdown Begins: I'm Breaking Up with Food

eating photo: Eating eat.gif
eating gifs photo: How to eat Cereal eating.gif eating gifs photo: Nom Nom Nom double_time.gif eating photo:  tumblr_m9dkggKkLD1r58lcw.gif

Well, I start my transformation on Monday.  You know what that means?  This weekend I'll be saying goodbye to comfort food, while stuffing as much food in my mouth as possible.  It's a sad moment for me.  Why cant I just be one of those people who can eat what ever they want and never see it on the scale?  No more late night, drunken Ultimate Cheeseburgers from Jack in the Box.  Or cookies and milk before bed.  Or ice cream on an emotional day.  Or pizza, which I think will be the hardest goodbye.  The only thing left to do is break up with my comfort food:

My heart is heavy today, knowing our time together has come to an end.  The only thing that is worse about saying goodbye to you, is that I am saying good bye to you all at once.  You were there for me in the best and worst of times Macaroni.  I never judged you for being fake, with your cheese powder and boxed noodles, because you never cared if I ate all of you.  You also didn't mind sharing the spotlight, as I paired you with many of my other favorites.  How generous.

macaroni gifs photo: Creamy Cheesy Macaroni an-Macaroni.gif


Macaroni's creaminess paired well with you, Hot Dog.  You have always known how to be a co-star though, every barbecue burgers always outshine you.  I will never forget how nice of you that was.  Speaking of burgers, Ultimate Cheeseburger, thank you for all the wonderful nightcaps we had together.  You never failed at sobering me up.  You were a cheap date, which was part of your appeal.  You and curly fries will have many more nights together, just not with me.


Fried Chicken.  Sadly you are on the break up list as well.  Your crunchy, salty exterior was always attractive to me.  You comforted me always, and went with everything.  You were offered to me everywhere I turned, and it made you hard to resist.  You were like a bad boy, knowing I shouldn't be with you, but impossible to let go.  I feel like an emotionally abused woman, who has finally come to the realization you will never change.  You will always be unhealthy, which is why I cant be with you anymore, but you will always have a place in my heart.



Pasta, you could have been memorialized with Macaroni, but I felt you deserved your own explanation for why I'm leaving you.  You were authentic, oh so suave, with your Italian background.  You made me weak at the knees in all your garlic-y flavors.  Good thing there is a healthier version of you, but he seems so stuck up I don't know if I will even bother.  I may miss you enough to give him a shot.  Until then, good bye.


And last, but certainly not least, is you Pizza.  The thought of life with out you is unbearable.  You are my favorite, and all the others were simply options to choose so I wouldn't get sick of you.  Life will be a little less delicious without you, but I know I will meet you again.  There is no way I can spend the rest of my life not seeing you again, even if I have to cheat every once in a while to be with you.


You all are amazing, but I have to move on.  You haven't done anything to show you deserve me, and if anything were a detriment to my life.  Maybe once I can figure out how to balance you with the leaner versions of yourselves, we can hang out again, but until then, this is it.  This weekend will be our last rendezvous, so please do me a favor and don't call for a while.

Thursday, May 8, 2014

Heartbreak + Food = Ma'am, Put Down the F***ing Pizza

So, as some of you may know from reading my previous post, I lost my Dad on March 28, 2013.  Me gaining all this weight is not a result of that, though I'm sure it contributed some.  I was definitely on the food-caboose before he passed away, but that incident just detached me from reality.  He was my best friend in life and not having him here with me, makes the world a little gloomy, to say the very least.  I tumbled into depression.  At 25 years old, this is not how I envisioned my life.  To think that I still have what seems like an eternity to live, and wont share a millisecond with my Dad, twists my heart into knots.

Despite that, I managed to move out of my Mom's, with my boyfriend, in our first ever apartment financed by yours truly.  The liberation is amazing, and I feel so guilty my Dad wasn't here to see how fantastic it truly makes me feel.  Since I have waited so long to live out on my own, and not have anyone to answer to, I don't mind admitting that I am a serious homebody.  I've wanted an apartment for so long, now that it's here, I never want to leave.  That could be the depression though.  It could also be because I just don't feel comfortable in my own skin.  I'm not too sure, but oh well.

Anyways, since I've moved out, I've been in complete control of my food intake.  I thought that would mean that I would lose the pounds like my name was Jenny Craig, but if anything, I've gained weight since being here.  It's not like my parents told me what I could and couldn't eat, but they just never bought anything that was good.  Have you ever felt like whenever you look into your own fridge, there is nothing to eat?  But when you look into a friend's fridge, they have the most amazing buffet ever?  Well, that was me, my entire life.  I never felt like there was anything to eat, even if there was. So now that I buy my own groceries, its like a Las Vegas buffet.  You name it, I've got it...well at least until we run out and I'm too lazy to go to Safeway.  If that's the case, hellooooo Jack In the Box, McDonalds, Pizza Hut, Round Table, Del Taco, Carl's Jr., Panda Express, Burger King, Taco Bell, Quiznos, etc....

How pathetic.  Either I'm eating all the unhealthy food I've hoarded from the grocery store, or I'm eating grease fake food.  No wonder I am where I am.  I guess in my emotional state, I just don't feel like dealing with food.  It's easier to take the easy way out, because I just don't have enough emotional stamina to think about breakfast/lunch/dinner.  I'm sure this blog will transform into an all encompassing venting session, that will include rants about my weightloss, boyfriend, loss of my dad, work, and life, so just bear with my verbal A.D.D.  If anything, use it as a comparison to your own life, may you never jump on the roller coaster that is my life.

The gifs below are pretty accurate at describing the past year of my life.  Enjoy:


                                                         eating gif photo: eating tumblr_m3xmihF7YB1rp51jb.gif

I haven't always been this way..

It's crazy to look back on my life and think I have always thought I was bigger than I should be.  I look back on those pictures from highschool, early college, hell, even two years ago and wish I could slap my old self for being insecure.  What I thought was bad then, is beautiful to me now.  I'm hoping to avoid continuing this routine.  The pictures of me now are bad, but I don't want to see them in 2 years and think I looked good.  That would mean I've gained MORE weight.  Who I am now has to be my absolute max.  One day I'll get back to my smaller sizes, but instead of feeling ashamed of myself, I will own it.









Wednesday, May 7, 2014

Why Molting?

I feel like some people may be wondering why I chose "molting" as the blog title.  The definition of "molt" is: to shed old feathers, hair, or skin, or an old shell, to make way for a new growth.  I think the whole, "look at me, I'm in a transformation like a pretty little butterfly" is a little cliche.  I mean, while it is a great analogy, I'm not into gushy stuff like that.  My preferred analogy is a snake molting.  Or unzipping my old skin and stepping out!



Someone Break the Camera---Seriously

I think one of the hardest parts about being heavy is that I cant enjoy the simple things, even if I'm with people I love.  I find that when I sit down even BY MYSELF at home, I have to hold a pillow in front of me.  I have always told myself it's a comfort thing, but in reality, I think it's a conspicuous way to shield myself or my body.  Case in point: Christmas 2013

Beyond that, I am still furious at whoever decided to snap that shot of me.  But, why am I living like that?  I don't want to see myself in pictures, like, ever.  Of course, I have mastered "my angle", but if someone else is behind the lens, it's like someone sprang a spontaneous hide and seek game, and I'm determined to find the best hiding place.  So, I'm sure there are plenty of memories that have gone undocumented, simply because of my refusal to be photographed.

After losing my Dad, I realize how special pictures are, so it seems so ridiculous to me that I am intentionally preventing mine from being taken.  I decided to put some pictures in my blog of what I look like through the eyes of others, not my misleading angled selfies.  I don't think I look pretty in any of these (seriously I am FORCING myself not to remove those), and it's depressing to put them out for all the world to see.  BUT, that is me.  Underneath the extra layers, is a beautiful, confident girl, who is just waiting to molt the old body.